Telling the Truth

I have found in my life that it is so much more comfortable to tell the truth than to lie to escape blame.

However, telling the truth about someone hurting me has always been difficult.  I have been challenged recently to disclose my well-founded worries about someone in church, not for my sake of safety, but for other’s.  Sometimes, keeping silent is the same as a lie. 

Think about it.  Doesn’t it feel equally bad carrying the weight of your own lie as it does to bear the burden of someone else’s lie for them?

Calling evil good.  That’s kind of what carrying around some else’s lie is.  I know in my abusive marriage, I presented a face of our family being happy and loving when it was cold and hard instead.  I told myself lies to make myself believe the lie that things were good.  It created cognitive dissonance that is finally resolving now that I am not afraid to tell the truth.

We need to speak the truth in love to ourselves and others.  Letting others tell their lies hurts us.  It is a brave and honorable thing to bring abuses out into the light. 

It is hard to learn how to break the habit of carrying lies (especially if we learned it as a survival mechanism in childhood), but learning to do this is something we can do one step at a time.

Day 1 Closing the Grave

Today marks the end of my mourning and I feel ready for it.  At the start of this purposeful mourning period, I carried around the dead body of the marriage I once thought I had.  In some way, I was unable to accept the reality that a stinking rotting corpse was what I had treasured.  I minimized myself in an effort to save the relationship and lost my identity in the fog of abuse.  Eff that!

I am a strong, lively, genuine woman deserving of the same respect and thoughtfulness I give.  I deserve to not be abused, but loved and cherished instead.  Kindness is not just for others, but myself also.

I finally treated myself kindly when I gave myself permission to feel sorry for myself.  That act of my compassion allowed me to be weak and imperfect.  This allowed me to release a lot of shoulds I had accumulated.

I know there will be moments of anger and sadness that rise up, but I no longer feel an overwhelming sense of loss about my place in life.  I have adjusted to my reality, which includes a world of promise in my future.  I am genuinely happy to cross this threshhold.

❤

Day -4 Back to Life

God is so good.  The further this mourning period progresses the more dirt I seem to shovel onto my sham marriage and the more I become myself.

Tonight I performed live theatre for the first time in 10 years.  It was a whirlwind that started with hearing about a local arts festival on the radio during my drive to work last week.  I attended a visiting artist’s lecture on Tuesday, then his workshop on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, and performed tonight.

I feel alive from head to foot—what a change from 1 year ago!

Day -12 and Seeing Hyde in A Music Video

A song I’ve heard a thousand times played on my Pandora station today. It is a song that was made popular several years ago –about the time that I got married and moved abroad. I never saw the music video, so I decided to look it up.

About halfway through the video I felt like I was in a time warp. On the screen before me I saw the very disturbing scene of interactions between Hyde and I playing out in the music video. The woman who’d been silent through the first two-thirds of the song started to sing. She turned and faced the man singer who never acknowledged her existence, didn’t acknowledge the pain she was expressing, and flinched and looked uncomfortable as she laid the truth out on the table.

I know you’ve heard the song, “Somebody That I Used To Know” by Gotye and Kimbra.  Until recently I didn’t understand the dynamics of that song. Clearly it is depicting a narcissistic and abusive relationship. Kimbra sings about thinking that she done something wrong but later realizing it wasn’t her all along it was him. Gotye sings about how she cut him off and all I could think about was that he was talking about the supply she used to provide.
 
There’s a point at the beginning where he looks down avoiding eye contact , looking sad at the start of what he’s saying.  Then he looks up into the camera at the word die. That’s exactly the subtle type of dagger Hyde would stab me with regularly. His eyes were always full of disdain and disgust for reasons I could never understand. That action of looking into the camera at the word die speaks volumes about what’s going on inside behind those eyes. If you didn’t know to look for that you may not think anything of it or you may think you are crazy for reading anything into it. This is how I felt on a daily basis. I was so confused and felt like I was absolutely crazy.

The way Gotye never looks at Kimbra while claiming to be in so much pain because she won’t be friends is something I find disturbing. He has no real connection with her. His calling her  “somebody he used to know” reduces her almost to an object, an object with no name, no feelings, and no worth in his eyes. 

I’m including the video in the following link. Pay special attention to the part where Kimbra approaches Gotye. Watch his expressions and movements because that is exactly what trying to have a real heart to heart conversation with Hyde was like.  The huge sigh and the slow eye close are exactly the gestures Hyde made during these interactions.  Freaky.

https://youtu.be/8UVNT4wvIGY

This unexpected third person view of what I experienced really helped me to see that he hurt me, not because there’s something wrong with me, but because there is a massive defect in him. I am so grateful that I am free of his dysfunction and heartlessness.

Praise God for breaking me out of that bondage.

Day -16

I have had three nights alone, my son away with his grandmother.

Tonight is the first time I have cried at all since alone.  I haven’t even cried about what happened in so long.  My tears these past 15 months have only been tears of frustration, anger, overwhelm and panic.

It feels like there is a malfuntioning security perimeter around the deepest center of myself.  It is on lockdown and I am locked out.  The months of anguish over my circumstances and surviving financially have done something to me…something not good.  Living in chaos for too long has eroded a feeling of stability.  I know my feet are on firm ground because God is with me, but my feet are so callused from walking on shifting pebbles that I can’t feel the ground…I only know it is there.

I wish I knew how to break into myself to release the crap I don’t need to carry around.

***
Not even two minutes after I posted this, I caught a dim reflection of myself on the side of my wardrobe. Suddenly I was over come with the words, “it’s okay to feel sorry for yourself”. Permission. Then I gave myself permission to follow an unusual urge. I got down on the floor, I pressed my face against the side of the wardrobe and cried. I put my hands on the wardrobe and held my reflective self while I cried.

A thought occured as the tears subsided: I have never not been a witness to or victim of emotional abuse. I was fed crap growing up and the more crap I ingested the weaker I became. The climax was the abusive crap Hyde fed me under the guise of love…I nearly starved to death in my soul.

I need to think about this more and try to see if I can evaluate sources of crap that are lingering still.

God Hears

Tonight my pastor’s wife shared in a worship service that God wanted her to share a word about mourning; He was tugging on her heart to share it because someone needed to hear it.  That someone was me!

She said that we can and should mourn our losses, but after we mourn we must refocus on life.  

Psalm 30:5

Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning.

I believe it.  God will take the burden of my heavy sorrow and transform it into a heartfelt joy.  First, I must do the hard work of mining for the injuries, pain, and anger I have kept at bay in order to survive.  There is a lot to uncover/discover because the lies that made me weak started before Hyde took his turn.   I really was a spiritual prisoner for many years of my life before I heard the Truth and woke up out of the trancelike state of existence.

It is also a chance for me to belatedly celebrate the marriage I had made, which was robbed from me by our separation from our friend and family causef by our immediate relocation to Europe.  There is still beauty in that day because I made a vow to God and stayed faithful to my word and in the breakup, I submitted the marriage to His will.  I obeyed Him completely on this issue.  When I understood better that I needed to be submitted to God before I submitted my husband, almost immediately God took him away to protect me and my child.

Today I mourn the spiritual scars from the years of believing lies.  I also praise God for gifting me with the knowledge and strength that allowed me to finally recognize a great lie and weed it out of my life.

Day 21

Tomorrow I Mourn

Fog hid the issues in my abusive marriage

For 21 days I will mourn my marriage and the dreams and years stolen from me.  Then I am moving on.

There is an ache I have to accept and feel in order to let go.  I am weighed down by the weight of grief.  It makes me unwell.

Day -22

From Victim to Victor

For the first time ever, at the least expected moment, I finally saw myself as I really am…a victor over the cruelty of my ex.  I was laying here feeling like I am about to get a full-blown summer illness, tossing in bed when suddenly my mind seized on the arithematic of my failed abusive marriage.  It took three tries before I believed my own eyes. 

All this time, I believed I was fairly powerless; now I see God was there with me working behind the scenes, asking for my faith, urging me to fight a good fight.  There were still whisps of fog clouding my vision until this very night.  I am not the coward my ex expected to fade away defeated.  I am not a weak and worthless creature.  I am strong in God and that put me in a position of power that I didn’t seek and couldn’t recognize because somehow I still believed a tiny bit that I was who my ex told me I was—worth nothing.  Maybe he just didn’t want me to see how high of a price he had to pay for treating us inhumanely.

That louse, in his attempt to discard us, has had to pay me or for my benefit a sizeable sum, not counting his big-shot attorney’s fees.  Honestly, I did not realize the scale of the amount.  I almost wish I could’ve seen the expression of horror as it crossed his face at this realization.  As for me…I am laughing!

Mirth, light-hearted childlike laughter.  Oh how wonderfully my Maker has treated me, His daughter!  I praise Him for He is wise and kind above all.  Father, Savior, and Spirit…my awesome God!  Amen!

If you are in the grip of despair, do not foresake hope.  Cling to God’s promises–He will show you the Light of His endless love in His own special way. ❤

Finally Me Again

15 months after he bought us a car and titled it in his name only, then stranded me with it refusing to title it to me, I finally own it in my name. My car is mine!  I danced in the DMV parking lot–I was so joyous.

The years of financial sacrifices are finally not his gain alone.  He doesn’t control my money anymore.  I have learned by sheer determination how to manage my finances after years of being prohibited from doing so.  I can account for every cent.  No more can he gaslight me or unsettle me by keeping me in economic darkness and powerlessness.

He can’t see the phone # of every call or text I write.  I have my own non-contract plan.  What a relief to have those cold hard eyes of his off of my life.

I am one institution away from being legally recognized as my own self.  So close to the end of signing with a name he never deserved the honor of me carrying. 

Praise you Lord Jesus for teaching me the simple and amazing joy of trusting God the Father and for sharing the gift of eternal life.  Praise to my Holy Father who keeps watch over me. And praise to the Holy Spirit whose living energy overflows my well of hope.  Amen!

I am blessed.  I am free.  I am me.

It Is Not Okay

It is not okay to tell me you will do X and then fail to it, then make me out to be a complainer for reminding you that you were supposed to do X.  (This happened with the apartment manager…twice)

It is not okay to say you accept my decision and then immediately proceed to persuade me to do what I said I didn’t want to do. (Happened recently with a friend)

It is not okay to make plans with me to help you with something and then not be there when I go to pick you up. (happened with a different friend). 

It is not okay to accuse me of yelling at you and then hang up on me (twice) because you don’t want to pay your overdue rent. (someone I had to deal with at work.)

It is not okay to make fun of me and disrespect me and then complain that I am mean all the time. (My child does this).

It is not okay to drag your feet on a task and then freak out in my space, causing me stress and anxiety, because it has progressed to emergency stage.  (My mother does this).

It is not okay to manipulate circumstances to my detriment. (Hyde does this and so much more).

It is not okay for me to lose my temper…or is it?  It doesn’t seem right that I am so down on myself for losing my temper for a moment after experiencing any one of these things.  Yet all of these things occured in less than one week, and here I am feeling guilty for expressing my anger.  I know this is disordered thinking…How do I stop?