It Is Not Okay

It is not okay to tell me you will do X and then fail to it, then make me out to be a complainer for reminding you that you were supposed to do X.  (This happened with the apartment manager…twice)

It is not okay to say you accept my decision and then immediately proceed to persuade me to do what I said I didn’t want to do. (Happened recently with a friend)

It is not okay to make plans with me to help you with something and then not be there when I go to pick you up. (happened with a different friend). 

It is not okay to accuse me of yelling at you and then hang up on me (twice) because you don’t want to pay your overdue rent. (someone I had to deal with at work.)

It is not okay to make fun of me and disrespect me and then complain that I am mean all the time. (My child does this).

It is not okay to drag your feet on a task and then freak out in my space, causing me stress and anxiety, because it has progressed to emergency stage.  (My mother does this).

It is not okay to manipulate circumstances to my detriment. (Hyde does this and so much more).

It is not okay for me to lose my temper…or is it?  It doesn’t seem right that I am so down on myself for losing my temper for a moment after experiencing any one of these things.  Yet all of these things occured in less than one week, and here I am feeling guilty for expressing my anger.  I know this is disordered thinking…How do I stop?

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9 thoughts on “It Is Not Okay

  1. There seems to be a lot of things that you are not OK. You are not alone. But, everytime we get angry, feel disrespected, and so forth; we give up our control to the other. I struggle..

    But, I know through mindfulness and breathing, I keep that control. Sometimes, silence is a real powerful tool. It is not what you say in response but what you do not say. A phrase like ” I am disappointed…” seems to work. I will use no inflection in the voice.

    Just babbling along. I think you have a good piece. Just thinking.

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    • I think I get where you are coming from, but that approach would not work in all the scenarios above. For a good-hearted person who cares about maintaining a relationship, saying “I am disappointed” may actally be enough to enforce a boundary.

      However, there are two people, maybe three who do not care about respecting me at all. Saying “I am disappointed” would be like drawing a line in the sand within reach of the waves.

      Saying nothing, or worse, saying “that’s okay” certainly primed me to be the emotional whipping boy in the past.

      I am striving to learn how to respond appropriately. It appears that I have at least managed to identify people who care from people who don’t care. I need to understand how to respond to people who don’t care.

      Feeling angry seems an appropriate emotion for the boundary violations. I have yet to master the expression of that anger.

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  2. Yea, I hear what you are saying. Those that seem to be oblivious of your presence probably are so wrapped in themselves that it is possible that justifible anger would not work anyway. You are talking about enmeshment. If expressed, the anger just maybe an accelerant.

    What about writing letters? When you write, you can see what you want to say before blasting it out.

    It is hard to say. As a blogger, I am just a blogger. You can use anger to your benefit or as a weapon. I know I use sarcasm very well.

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  3. It sounds like you had a week surrounded by selfishness, laziness, inefficiency and rudeness. Four very ugly spirits. I surely hope things have improved for you since then. Not a lot you can do about the attitudes of your family members, but the friends…yes. I use the word “dependable” a lot. That is my ONEWORD for 2015. I had to drop some people from my life who are simply not to be counted upon, greatly reducing my “friends”. They know I love them, but I won’t be placed in positions anymore where I’m stood up, lied to, argued with, etc.
    My mother is dependable, but racist and judgmental. We love each other dearly, but don’t spend much time together. That grieves me but she’s bitter and refuses to deal with it. I can’t have that negativity around me. I used to lose my temper with her; she made me furious. Now I just don’t see her much. Same thing with a sister who cancels plans at the last minute, totally not dependable. Don’t have much contact with her at all.
    So…after you weed out the unsafe people, keeping your peace is easier. I developed a mindset. God doesn’t want us to live upset and anxious all the time. But be aware, the devil will throw random unavoidable people at you (like that maintenance guy who won’t do his job) to trip you up. I probably would have said, “what a jerkoff” and gone about my business. That guy’s not worth my energy.
    I was telling my daughter about my ONEWORD and she said, “That’s why I don’t have a lot of people in my life. I’d rather have one dependable, trustworthy friend, than dozens of acquaintances I can’t count on.”

    Liked by 1 person

    • “God doesn’t want is to live upset and anxious all the time.” You know, I never really realized that. I know that I don’t want my child to live that way, so I know that is true because God is our perfect parent.

      Thank you AlonewithGod, for such a detailed comment. What you said makes a lot of sense and it demonstrates boundaries–something I have struggled with. Good oneword. 🙂 Mine is speak.

      Thank you again for sharing your experience. I think we can learn so much from hearing each other’s experience. You’ve given a lot of good points to ponder.

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  4. Well, you are welcome and thank YOU for valuing my comment. I would really like to help others on these blogs in sharing my perspective, and giving God the credit. He has truly made me a new creation in my middle-age. When living with my ex, I had no boundaries. He wouldn’t allow boundaries. Every time I challenged him, put my foot down, or disagreed about something important, he became even more angry, mean, passive-aggressive, and resistant. He’d say, “If you don’t like it, you can leave”. Which scared me into silence and submission. One time I was very angry and told him I wanted a divorce. He gave me the silent cold shoulder for days afterward.
    Now I’m free of him, but I never wanted a divorce. This is God working in my life to make me dependent on Him. My ex was involved in adultery and all the evil that goes with that ;then he deserted me. The healing is still ongoing, but God has plans for me to prosper and flourish.
    I’m so thankful to God and tell Him so all the time. There’s no room for anger anymore when we trust Him completely with every aspect of our lives. The flesh still wants to give into fear and self-pity, but Galatians 5 is a good remedy for that. God Bless You.

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