Last night was really difficult.  I am so triggered by the divorce paperwork.  For this reason, it takes me an insane amount of mental effort to sit and tackle it.

There was a paper I couldn’t find, but I knew I’d had it a few weeks ago.  I proceeded to look everywhere I could think of.  Then I freaked out.  It happens every so often when I have to deal with him and the divorce.  This time was scary…I really felt like my mind was coming apart–I felt so confused.

Then as I regained a sense of reality, it dawned on me.  Hyde is still gaslighting me.  In the divorce papers he is constantly telling half-truths which send me scurrying for solid proof of what I KNOW to be true.  He can still get to me. 

I CANNOT wait to be divorced…and those are words I thought I would die of shame before I’d utter them.  I am so grateful to God for saving me by His Grace.  There is no other reason I have beem so fortunate in my misfortune.  Praise Him!


6 thoughts on “Freakout

  1. I send you a big hug, and pray for you that God will bless you and let everything work out well.
    I do recognise this to. Remember you are so precios and worthy of being loved.
    Breathe. Be kind to your self
    Every morning I use to read something from pastor Joyce Meyer and this morning was it about to be alone without being lonely. I copy some of the text for you:
    “God’s Word tells us to be strong and courageous, for God is always with us. In the natural, you may be alone, but that doesn’t mean you have to be lonely, because spiritually, God is always there. He will never leave you or forsake you.” And then read from Deuteronomy 31:6 “Be strong and of good courage, fear not, nor be affrighted at them: for Jehovah thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.”
    I felt so thankful when I read this. I´m not lonely even I´m alone. I have God and my friends, and a lot of sisters all over the world who knows what kind of life this is.
    Hugs and blessings

    Liked by 1 person

    • Okay…a moment to write again! 🙂

      I pray for His blessings on you too. You are so kind. Your scripture reminded me of the fact that God doesn’t promise to prevent bad things from happening, but He does promise to stay with us. In fact, He is in us and will not forsake us.

      I really love the prayer Jesus made as He prepared Himself for fulfilling the promise. In that prayer He asks God the Father to be in us and also asks that we be in Them to fulfill the picture of unity. Everytime I read that passage I cry because I feel so loved. There is no abuse of power or position with God.

      John 17:20-26
      New International Version (NIV)

      Jesus Prays for All Believers

      20 “My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, 21 that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. 22 I have given them the glory that you gave me,that they may be one as we are one—23 I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.

      24 “Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world.

      25 “Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. 26 I have made you[a] known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.”

      Liked by 1 person

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