There has been a lot on my plate the last few weeks, or as I said to my therapist: it’s like juggling many trays full of different entrees traveling at different speeds with constant additions and subtractions and having to keep track of it all because someone might ask me a question about what is on a tray. It has been exhausting.
During the last week I had our tree half strung with lights and just could not muster the energy to finish it or care that it wasn’t finished. That’s a sad place to be…I hated it. Fortunately, I was able to hang in and not beat myself up for it. Yesterday, I spent a few hours blasting classic Christmas songs and finishing the decorating. It was an effort, but well worth it.
Warm and cozy. That’s how I would describe the atmosphere I created with my simple Christmas decorations.
As I sit here soaking up the beauty, I am reminded how our home with Hyde never felt this relaxed. This year, I didn’t have to ask for money to buy ornaments I wanted; there was zero guilt in the process of preparing the space according to my taste. There were no adverse consequences for wanting a bit of cheer. I didn’t need his approval for anything. I felt free to control my purchases, free to make independent decisions, and free from his mantle of unhappiness.
Freedom. So simple and so valuable. Freedom to dream of a happy future.
In case I don’t write before then, merry Christmas and a happy, freedom-filled new year to you all.