Today, I made some promises to myself about what I will accomplish before bedtime. Sorting a ridiculous amount of paperwork is a giant to-do.
There have been many jabs of pain as I reviewed my notes in planning our belated honeymoon, outstanding doctor’s bills and other miscellany. What I did not anticipate finding was the notecard with my personal wedding vow from our wedding day. In addition to the traditional vows, we had decided to add our own promises.
It hurts to read what I wrote in total trusting naivete. I had no idea that I was promising myself to a villain disguised as prince charming.
You came into my life and lit up my entire world. You make me feel so loved and accepted just the way I am.
I admire your pure heart, your sharp wit and your gentle patience.
You will be a loving husband and a wonderful father to [my son]. I trust you completely.
I promise to always respect you, to support your hopes and dreams, and to love you unconditionally.
The only promise I did not fulfill was to love Hyde unconditionally; after the cruelty he has shown in abandoning us, there is not one ounce of love left in me for him. I had loved him to the point I forgave him for unilaterally robbing me of my dream for more children and I held him close to my heart as his emotional abuse triggered suicidal thoughts in me.
I am not ashamed and I am not responsible for the destruction of our marriage. That liability rests completely at his feet.