A Long Hiatus

Well, I found myself much busier than expected after starting my part-time job.  Apparently, surviving PTSD is a job in and of itself.  I am finally back into counseling and that helps.

My new therapist at the DV shelter says that I need to limit my reading of abuse-related articles for now.  I agree.  I feel that I am subconsciously still trying to solve the puzzle of my sham marriage and very raw abandonment—ain’t gonna happen.

You see, I realize (though I am still working on believing 100%) that Mr. Hyde will never provide anything I need to have closure. In fact, if he knew I sought closure, I am pretty sure he would do everything in his power to prevent me from having it.  How small and petty can a grown man be?

Anyways, I have neglected this blog, but I wanted you to know I haven’t abandoned it!

Hoping you all are finding some peace on your paths.  🙂

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2 thoughts on “A Long Hiatus

  1. “In fact, if he knew I sought closure, I am pretty sure he would do everything in his power to prevent me from having it. How small and petty can a grown man be?” No kidding. I don’t expect closure either. I am still living separated in the home for serious reasons, but I am working at some balance of not needing closure/trying to provide it for myself. I’m actually starting to get a little more automatic at shutting down the effect he used to have on me and I am getting him out of my head more quickly after each new situation that used to keep me off-center and upset for hours, days, weeks. I am using a lot of self-talk as I try to lay down new pathways in my brain.

    I understand the need to limit the reading of the abuse-related articles. I have had times that I have had to pull back for my own well-being. It’s such a hard balance – I want to move forward and not keep re-living it. Then just about the time I think I should stop reading and processing it, I find something I hadn’t heard before that puts a new light on things that contributes to the processing and eventual, I hope, healing. Or every now and then I say something on a blog that someone else actually finds encouraging and I cry or get goosebumps and can’t mentally process the thought that it’s even possible. It is hard to believe I could have a positive effect on anyone. I have lived so long believing I was such a bad person that I believed I could only harm people. It’s not easy to decide how to ration one’s exposure. I am glad you have a therapist that is guiding you in a healthy way. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • “Then just about the time I think I should stop reading and processing it, I find something I hadn’t heard before that puts a new light on things that contributes to the processing and eventual, I hope, healing.”

      Exactly!

      I pray for your continued healing, especially that you would see yourself as other non-abusers see you. I pray for God to provide you the strength and courage to do all you need to do to eventually be free from the bondage.

      Happy Thanksgiving!

      Like

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