Today has been a very difficult day.
The weight of the world pushes on me in an attempt to force me to my knees. Trying to keep my mind from sliding into an abyss is taking every ounce of energy.
I feel like a compressed spring trapped in my own body. The tension between reality and the fog feels like it will tear my brain in two.
Hyde crafted this unstable situation in which I feel stuck. He made sure my name wasn’t on the bank accounts and he refuses to supply me with any support to prevent my son and I from poverty as I scramble back into the workforce. He stonewalled me and has maintained a stance of non-explanation except to blame me. I have no financial security and no answers. However, it won’t last forever. This, like every other situation, has an expiration date….thank goodness!
Feeling so helpless is aggravating to me. I am a fighter, but this round took more out of me than anything else ever has. In such a mood, I have to show myself concrete evidence that Hyde’s control is limited and that he is not exempt from natural, societal, or spiritual law.
Truth: Hyde can’t control time.
The minutes that pass are precious. Each moment away from Hyde and his lies is an honest minute. Just saying that is liberating!
He is four years closer to the end of life with nothing to show for it except an increased earning capacity. Newsflash–you can’t take it with you!
Truth: Hyde can’t control his image forever.
He slanders me, spreading the lie that I kicked him out. Playing the victim after inflicting such cruelty upon others is conniving and evil.
The false martyr he portrays is nothing more than another mask. Like Dorian Gray, the uglification of his soul is real and his body will eventually betray him. He already looks like a different man than the man I married.
Truth: Hyde can’t control my happiness or my future.
Although he was able to exert his authority and cast the mantle of fog over me while we were together, his tactics lose their effectiveness as time passes and I recognize what he is/was up to.
Hyde can no longer rob me of the possibility of having another child. It may or may not happen, but Hyde no longer makes that call. Released from the bondage of an abusive marriage, I have no obligation to give and give to someone who only takes.
I take comfort in knowing that even if I never meet someone, my God loves me thoroughly and perfectly. My commitment will not be unacknowledged. In His Love I can rest.
*Sigh* This post took half a day to write, but it was time well spent because it gave me a much-needed shift in perspective.
Recovery is hard work. I have to really wrestle with my mind sometimes because years of abusive treatment have planted lies I have taken on as truth. Time to weed them out and toss them onto the burn pile!