“I am selfish.” – Mr. Hyde

Mark Twain famously said, “When in doubt tell the truth.  It will confound your enemies and astound your friends.”  Well, I can tell you that this works–I just didn’t realize I was Hyde’s enemy until he abandoned me.

Very early into my relationship with Hyde, he randomly turned to me and said, “I am selfish.”  I remember feeling really confused.  First, why is he saying this out of the blue? Did I say something about selfishness? Second, why the heck is he saying this?  He doesn’t act selfish at all!

My natural reaction was to assure him he wasn’t selfish and proceeded to point out the things he had done that were selfless. At that point he’d been generous with his time, money and attention so his statement did not really compute in my brain.  It was nonsense.

I feel stupid for not taking him at his word, but now I realize I that it was impossible for me to believe he was selfish in the face of contradictory evidence.  He created a situation where I could not believe the truth he was admitting to me because it did not match my reality.  Looking back, not only was it my first red flag, but it was also my first memory of being gaslighted by Hyde.

As our relationship progressed, he became increasingly selfish.  He always got the first shower; he took the car unless I had a really good reason to borrow it; he didn’t ask me if I wanted a drink when he would get one for himself; he stopped kissing me as a newlywed (except for sex); he didn’t leave work to pick me up when I dislocated my knee and had to take three trains home (he did, however, proceed to tut tut me for not demanding him to leave work pick me up–I mean, what do you say to that when you explained how badly you injured yourself and he made no offer to transport you); he limited sex to one weekend day per week against my wishes; he unilaterally decided we weren’t having more children after agreeing to them before marriage; he took our only car leaving my poor son to trudge a mile home from school each day during this winter’s horrid conditions, then he abandoned us in a strange state with a crappy car while he bought a new one; now he refuses to pay spousal support so I can reestablish my life.

Well, Hyde, I believe you now.  You really are a selfish, ungrateful monster. And it explains a lot about why you have no close friends.

 

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10 thoughts on ““I am selfish.” – Mr. Hyde

  1. It is amazing, they flat out tell you what they are. I have an addictive personality, my father was always telling me I have an addictive personality. I am selfish. Don’t beat yourself up, the gas lighting works because they then depict themselves as altruistic another time so people chose to believe the positive, that is why it is crazy making.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It is crazy-making! My Hyde came in like a shining white knight. It was ridiculous the number of times I was told by others that our relationship was like a fairytale…single mom and son whisked off to live happily ever after with Mr. Cleancut Image.

      Thanks for being my first commenter, betternotbroken!

      Liked by 2 people

      • I am happy to have that honor, I wish you the best. What you experienced happens to so many women, you are doing others a service by raising your voice and I hope in the process you heal.

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      • Thank you, betternotbroken! I hope putting this out in the open helps someone else looking for answers to bizarre relationship behavior. My jaw hit the floor when I discovered abuse could be so dang subtle.

        My voice…I have one again! Hallelujah!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Wow! Yes! Did I ever hear how incredibly blessed I was to marry SUCH an incredible man after my first husband died! In my case on our honeymoon he promised to never have sex with me again because I’d gotten a UTI and he couldn’t bear to think he had contributed to something that was causing me a drop of discomfort. I told him that was ABNORMAL. He was shocked – he had no idea – he just loved me so much. After 8 weeks of complete insanity which caused me to start pleading with God to let one of us die, he blatantly told me how he planned to manipulate circumstances with my kids so they would hate something they loved – camping. Just so happened he’d told me for the past year that he did a lot of camping. Lies. And I’d caught on to other lies. And so much crazy making behavior my head was spinning. I asked him to leave at 8 weeks- realizing he was not the person I had dated and agreed to marry. I think an annulment for undiagnosed mental disorder would have been appropriate – but not something I wanted to fight Crazy for. After 5 months of covert bullying, the case ended. He continues 2 years later to spread lies and to contact my friends and family. I’ve not written about those 8 weeks of marriage. I pray you find healing – and stay safe. In time you will no doubt find some gratitude for the fact that he left you.

        Sadly – I think the crazymakers are loving as best they know how. That is REALLY sad for them – but not ok for me to sacrifice the safety and sanity of my family even though he claims such undying love for me.

        After going to file for a protection order, the gal at the police department have me the best advice ever – “don’t believe a word he says.” Married to Mr Hyde – move boldly forward with what you know to be true.

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      • Oh, His Salt, what a horrific experience. How can one person deliver so much destruction in such a short time?

        It amazes me how convincing their act is. I think their success lies in that many of these people have no substantial relationships outside of their dysfunctional family of origin.

        I pity Hyde. He has never known the depth of a loving relationship because he runs from anything that challenges him on a deep level. I think he is quite miserable inside himself. You are right, we can feel sad for their deficencies, but we are not to jeopardize ourselves, our family, or our faith by trusting a proven liar.

        Already I know he is spreading lies. Those who know me and my character will doubt him. Those who believe him without asking for my side of the story are not people I want in my life. God is surely using this evil for our good by weeding people out of our lives who are so easily swayed.

        Many hugs to you, sister!

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  2. I’ve been through this too, except for being abandoned. I left him, but maybe to late. But I hadn’t the strength and the necessary support earlier.
    When I was pregnant with our daughter, six years a go and I needed som money to go for a control, he refused. I had to search for cash he has hidden an stole from him, my beloved husband.. When I was home caring for our baby and couldn’t pay for our needs he refused me money and I had to borrow from the bank. And he was working 150 % and there was no real poverty. He also refused me and our sons to use our car. I had to fight for everything.
    Thank you for reminding me.
    Nowadays when I’m living on my own he use to tell me that he has changed, he never want to hurt me again and that he want to make me happy. He want me back.
    I think I needed to be reminded. Sometimes I stumble and forget what I’ve been through.
    Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hugs to you too!

      I think what you experienced was much more difficult, especially with a little one. It really makes me glad to God to see how He can give us what we need to trust Him so we can become free. God leads us out of our individual Egypt.

      Oh…what is the matter with these so-called men? They are the most selfishness with those they should cherish and protect. And they are so mean with their money. My anti-husband literally told me he was selfish when we were dating, but I didn’t believe him since his actions at that time were quite generous. That is something that frightens me about him a little–he had the self-awareness to know he was selfish, but he didn’t feel bad and stop being that way. Instead he became more and more awful. They let “loved” ones suffer while they hoard their piles of cash. God will let them reap their rotten crops they have sown and money will not save them from it.

      Oh, Lisa, you are wise to be on guard. Here is something I realized that may help you too:

      Anti-husband never does anything out of desire to be good to me. There is always a selfish reason for his actions.

      So even if he offers you good things and promises of a better life, he is doing for his benefit, not yours.

      I am very glad we are connecting. I wish I spoke Swedish, so I could respond on your blog without translating the text first. 🙂

      Your posts are a reminder to me to look forward with hope for a healthy future. I sometimes fear being fooled by a “nice guy” again…but then I remember that God has given me new eyes that see a man for his actions, not his words.

      May God bless your Thursday. 🙂

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    • Haha…I am a little tired. I just realized you wrote your comment on this post and not the other one. I did not mean to repeat the fact that he told me he was selfish! 😀

      Oh I am so glad you understand, but I am sorry you lived it too. Refusing money, or even making you feel unworthy to spend it, is a very stressful form of abuse.

      Like

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